Feelin Let Down Still Not Gonna Give You Up

If you’re in the Visual Novel Development community, you’ve probably heard of Spooktober. A month(ish) Game Jam where you create a Halloween (which can fall under scary, horror, creepy, etc.) visual novel that a board of judges play throughout October in order to determine awards and give creators a platform for more exposure.

Last year, I super underestimated how large my scope was and left the jam probably not even two weeks in. This year, I was like, I’m gonna be super prepared I GOT this shit. Bruh, I made an outline (I don’t outline SHIT), I got a little section on Github to add all my images and updates and project management cards, I was on track to get something out by the end of the month and then, well. I started a job and school in the middle of August. It’s most definitely a blessing even though the subjects are the complete opposite of what I imagined I’d be doing (but capitalism, right?). Though the adjustment was rough, after a week or two it was going better than expected. I was still writing the story, I had done my sprites and backgrounds on the front end because those were the hardest for me last year and I figured placing them would be not exactly a drag and drop situation (that’d be too easy on me), but easier than I made it out to be. What really took me out was the asthma attacks.

I’ve had asthma attacks since I was a baby. These happen every year at least three times a year, so I didn’t think they’d be a big deal. But, this time, my insurance lapsed between being unemployed (or rather, employed in a way that doesn’t give healthcare) and getting onboarded for the new job. I…don’t know how to describe going from slightly annoyed to full on terrified so quickly. I’m an anxious person and it took me longer than I’d like to admit to realize that instead of letting myself cough or have an attack (I live with family and I didn't want to worry them) and let it be done, I would feel a tickle in my throat, immediately panic that these were my last breaths, and the asthma attack would be several times worse than it had to be (or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. I don’t know why I can’t just let my body be my body.). It took me weeks to go to the doctor because I’m having problems with some doctors (and let’s be honest when you can’t breathe, you don’t want to try to conserve energy for the way a doctor will treat you as a black socially feminized autistic person) and after finally going to a chiropractor to fix my neck and shoulders after years of being locked wrong, when they gave me the bill, the receptionist sat down with me to tell me how the office would charge me so I wouldn’t be caught off guard (God bless them) and I realized I picked perhaps the shittiest insurance for myself. I was able to get my inhaler after seeing a different doctor but I worried because even though he said he didn’t think I had it, he said “lung clot” and that’s all my mind took away from that appointment. Between that fear and the anger at my body for breaking down (I had been working out! I had been getting stronger! I’m doing what you want me to do why are you punishing me for it?!), the last thing I was prepared to hear was that the refill for my monthly inhaler would be anywhere between $900 and $1200 monthly.

So, that’s why I just stopped trying to do this game jam. Even though the game development is still happening, I decided to try actually giving myself time to recover instead of filling myself up to 30% and burning myself out again and repeating that process. Another reason is because last weekend I went to Game Devs of Color and I had my first Teatro Lambe Lambe class with Puppet Soup. Both felt like they were giving me signs to slow down. In Game Devs of Color, half the fun of the event is responding to others in the chat and I know next to nothing about game development so it’s a great time for me to learn so much from people who really care about their work. In Teatro Lambe Lambe class, we all have our mics on most of the time and talk to one another as we learn the history and application of the ideas we’re coming up with. All weekend I was surrounded by community and that is the best I’ve felt in a very long time. I decided to lean into that and as if another sign was needed, a friend reached out and we’re looking at getting art together for the game!

If you know me, I am always looking for exits. I walk into a room and I’m already planning the different ways I can escape. I haven’t been able to be fully present in places really until things became more accessible. Getting a choice in how I interact with others (if I choose to at all) has been such a saving grace and I’ve really been able to see that this past weekend. I would not be able to do so many of the things I’ve done (and continue to do) if there wasn’t accessibility. I got to go to puppetry conferences and classes and poetry and fiction classes and be on the board of a nonprofit and go to game and animation classes and conferences and be in theatre fellowships. I never would’ve been able to do these things if they weren’t virtual and if scholarships hadn't been available. I wouldn’t have even be looking for exits because I never would’ve entered the room. What I wanted to do here is just let you all know that there is still work being done, but I’m trying to be more conscious of myself and others around it. I’m still so excited for you to meet my girls in we need that knife b (Keisha and Jalen) because they’ve got so much good heart. games can be really hard for me even though i want to enjoy them and after talking to someone from GDoC I realized its because I didn't allow myself accessibility options because I thought it didnt make me a “real” gamer. I want to create this game in a way that proves past me's wrong.

we need that knife b moodboard (words from Chase Berggrun's RED)

I’m still doing Teatro Lambe Lambe for about a month more, then Shadow Puppetry, then Storyboarding for Puppetry, and I guess also midterms this coming week. So it’ll be a second before I can put something newer here, though I’m working on updating the backlog so y’all can see some things.

In the meantime be sure to check out the games from Spooktober 2021 and be on the lookout for my Teatro Lambe Lambe performance announcement within the next month and few weeks! Thank you all and hoping for the very best for you.